Why I No Longer Idolize My Mom
I love my mom. I’m one of the lucky ones who can say that I have a good relationship with my mom. I witnessed her go through physical, mental, and emotional pain during my childhood, yet she still had the capacity to show up for me. She’d wipe my ass, make sure I was clean from head-to-toe before bed, clean up my mess, read with me, and tolerate my attitude. She has a killer work ethic, contagious laugh, and a joyful spirit that echoes across multiple universes. I would pick her to be my mom in all life times because I wouldn’t be the beautiful and wise woman I am today without her.
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It was inevitable for me to look up to her because she’s the first person I connected with, learned from, and imitated. When you love someone this much, how can you not follow in their footsteps? When I was a kid, I didn’t think much of it. But now, as an adult, I see parts of my mom I copied that ended up hurting me. I spent my 20s blaming her and feeling resentful, but now in my 30s, I’ve had time to realize I don’t idolize my mom anymore and for good reasons.
She’s Only Human
I’ve come to see my mom more clearly. She’s not just a mother, but a woman and human being. She’s carried her own burdens from childhood, and those experiences shaped how she sees the world and how she navigates life. I can’t change her past, but I can choose to acknowledge that, despite her own pain, she did the best she could to raise me with love and safety.
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My Mental Health Matters More Than Her Approval
My mom’s approval has always meant a lot to me. I just wanted to be a good daughter in her eyes. So when I didn’t get it, usually through criticism, it deeply affected how I saw myself. I do think she believes her words come from a place of love, but to me, they’ve often felt more discouraging than helpful. Over time, I’ve come to see that a lot of her criticism likely stems from the kind she grew up with. And now, I’m learning it’s okay to let go of that need for approval and choose my own peace instead.
My Identity is My Responsibility
My mom always says, “Make your own identity.” It’s the best advice she’s given me, and it’s something I’ll pass down to my own kids one day. Now that I’m 30, married, and living on my own, I know that who I am is up to me. I could blame her for the mistakes I’ve made or hold onto resentment, but what would that do for me? It would just keep me stuck. Instead, I’ve learned to take the positive things she’s given me and let it shape who I am, and take the negative things as tools to make better choices moving forward. The person I am doesn’t need her approval, just her understanding and respect. And I’ve learned to offer her the same in return.
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